A casual lunch date with an old friend hardly seems like the expected time for profound realizations.
But there I was, listening to him talk about his latest trip to Nevada and all I could think was,
"this isn't you. you don't go to Nevada. you hardly ever leave home. ...who are you?"
I realized in that moment how much has changed.
We aren't the same two kids who were attached at the hip, our whole lives.
We've grown into two separate people who see each other a few times a year.
We've traded in routine phone calls that last hours on end for a happy 'hello', and 'how have you been' whenever we run into each other on accident.
Things are different now.
I know that change is inevitable.
And I know that God has a plan for everything.
I only hope that I'm doing my part to honor His plan the way He wants.
I try so hard to hold on. To keep things the way they are.
To do things my way.
I pray for signs.
And then when He gives me direction, I pray for different signs.
Deep down, I know my own way is nowhere near as wonderful as the path He has prepared.
But for some reason, I resist.
I find myself clinging to that 'lizard on my shoulder', in fear of letting go
and accepting change.
And while I know that letting go of it all is the only way to get where He intends for me to go, my grip gets tighter and tighter as He tries to pull me away.
But I want to let go:
of my fears.
of my need for control.
of my attempts to 'do it better'.
I want to move forward.
I want to change.